Ten years ago I wrote this blog post.
And 3 years ago, this one.
You would think by now, I would have learned the lessons God has been teaching me all these years.
But you would be wrong.
If I'm being honest, the diagnosis of Noah's Asperger's broke me. I did not want to think about my then seven year old being anything but "normal." There were too many dreams I had for him. And Asperger's didn't fit into any of those plans. I was a bit angry, and I let God know it.
How was he supposed to do all the things "normal" kids do when I was being told he'd much rather stay in his own little world. How was he going to play sports, like other boys, when most Asperger's kids want nothing to do with athletics? How was he going to change the world when he most likely wouldn't want to leave the confines of his own home?
I was determined that Asperger's would not defeat Noah. Or me.
We took one day at a time. Some days were better than others. We dealt with routines, obsessions, behaviors, social cues. Things like greeting someone, answering the telephone, and listening to other people's concerns didn't come naturally to him. But, they weren't things he couldn't learn. So, we taught these skills and a whole lot more.
Little by little, God began to break me. He revealed the pride in my heart. The ugliness of comparing my son - this gift I was given - to others. Wanting the picture-perfect child to show off to the world. He reminded me that Noah is "fearfully and wonderfully made." And I began, supernaturally, to let go of those dreams I had for my son and look forward to seeing God's plans for him unfold. I accepted him for the amazing child he was, instead of wishing for different circumstances.
We've walked down this road for five years now. Sometimes, it's still a struggle. Watching my middle-school aged child relate better to younger children can leave me in tears. Watching the reactions on the faces of kids his age when Noah talks about not-so-normal things - breaks my heart into pieces. Sleepless nights due to a newborn are expected. By the time your child is in 6th grade? You just expect those issues to be gone. But they're not over in this house yet.
Then there are those moments when I look at him and see his pure heart. His innocence. His brilliance, creativity, and insight into things of God. He'll go through his routine of telling me "Good night. I love you. I love you." and blinking his eyes twice before bed, and I'll smile. He'll pray the same prayer at bedtime that he's prayed the past 2,000 nights - and I'll hear his 2,000th request for a woman in Thailand, who has believed a lie, to hear truth - and I know that God is smiling, too.
Through it all, God reminds me that Noah is His child, and He loves him more than I ever will. His plans for him are far more amazing than mine could ever be.
Noah may not ever change the world, but he has definitely changed mine.
A couple of months ago, I was introduced to singer/songwriter Andy Gullahorn at a concert at our church. He wrote a song for a friend whose son had been diagnosed with Asperger's. Kyle and I both sat and listened and were taken back in time to all those emotions. Here it is. (Even though it's called Sleeping Sound - and Noah is not usually doing that. :))