Ellie has struggled with learning since she was a toddler. At age two, we had a speech therapist and an early childhood specialist in our home twice a week to work with her, in addition to everything we did on a daily basis. She went to preschool at ages 3 and 4, but when the time came for her to enter kindergarten, we decided to keep her at home an extra year. Surely, with an extra year to mature and do preschool work at home, she'd be ready for school.
The following year, we paused our homeschool journey to attend a private school. During this year, it became apparent that something more than just immaturity was going on. She was tested and received the diagnosis of "specific learning disability." The next two years, for first and second grade, she attended public school where she was eligible for special services.
Last year, in the most wonderful school I've ever been a part of, with incredibly kind, supportive, competent teachers, I was told she did not meet our district's "learning disability" qualifications, and they would need to pull all services she had been receiving. Sitting at a conference table with teachers, special education specialists, school psychologists, social workers, and administrators, I heard each one express how concerned they were that Ellie would not succeed without these services in place. However, they were insistent that their hands were tied and there was nothing they could offer her.
They were correct. Ellie did not succeed. It was an uphill battle for the last half of the year. After much prayer, discussion, and uncertainty, we decided to bring her home this year.
We are four weeks into school and I can say, without a doubt, that this is the most frustrating thing I have ever done. There have been many tears shed from both of us multiple times a day. She takes two baby steps forward and then 50 leaps backward.
I told a friend the other day how exceedingly hard this is. She said "What if Ellie coming home wasn't just for you to teach Ellie? What if God brought her home to teach you something?"
And I burst into tears. Partly because I'm almost 40 years old and the hormones are definitely not balanced. But mostly because she had just spoken TRUTH into my life.
God brought Ellie home. Not me. Not Kyle. And not the school system. And I can tell you with utmost certainty that while it is very good for Ellie, it is mostly for my good. You see, the very ugly truth is that I am a sinful, selfish person. I work best when everything goes according to my plan. I lose patience with people who don't keep in line with my expectations. I react out of anger when my plans fail, and I'm just generally not a nice person. I have to ask forgiveness daily for telling God what I have planned and expecting Him to get on the same page.
Homeschooling Ellie forces me to cry out to God to show me His plans, because mine? They don't even come close to succeeding. There is no way I can parent or homeschool this beautiful, creative, energetic, passionate daughter of mine on my own. I forget that multiple times an hour, but I'm so grateful I have a God who offers grace no matter how many times I fail.
Maybe by May, I'll have it all figured out.
But probably not.